06/08/23 Mile 179.4 – 207 I am currently at the Cabazon Public Library with my dirty, stinky, nasty self, charging all my devices so I can make it 4 more days on trail without panicking my loved ones because I haven’t checked in.
So far, I’ve hiked 200 miles in silence. I like my own company, I like my thoughts, ideas, wonderings, curiosity, future planning, self improvement, the bantering in my head, the day dreaming and the clarity. So much to think about when you’re alone all day and your only task is to walk. Up. Down. Down. Up. Up. Up. Hydrate. Eat. More up. More down. 30 miles ago, I stayed 3 nights in Idylwild, another super cute town tucked in the San Jacinto Mountain Range, where their Mayor is the most floofiest Golden Retriever named Max and everyone helps the hikers. Anyways, I stayed 3 nights because surprise!… my feet were killing me, I swear, I’m sick of this foot saga, but it’s part of my journey I guess. Fingers crossed they’ll be tip top soon.
My 3rd night I woke up with this dread in me. I knew the next section of trail was going to be tough, I had been hearing all the talk about how the trail was hard to find, covered in snow, and downed trees. I couldn’t shake the feeling that I shouldn’t attempt it. I dragged my feet that morning, I called my brother looking for a “it’s ok, you don’t have to do this part.” Out. Which thankfully, he didn’t give me. It still took me half the day to pack my things, find where I would start again and go.
While I was sitting in the local coffee shop, Pure, I started to consider this fear that was paralyzing me all of a sudden. I came up with some reasons…
#1. This shit is HARD. We allllll knew it would be. I KNEW it would be and I’m not surprised that it is. But putting myself back into the hard on purpose after 2.5 days off doesn’t compute properly in my big brain. I’m honestly scared of the challenge, I’m scared of hurting, physically and emotionally, I’m still working out my routines, when to start, when to rest, when to eat, how much to eat, when to stop etc. I think the grandness of the task at hand has finally sunk in and I’m shitting my pants a little. Just a little. Nothing a baby wipe won’t fix.
#2 The snow. I had a scary experience a couple years ago that left me with no desire to hike in any kind of snow. There was so much snow this year that the trail up here was still covered in so many places, downed trees, no clear path, I heard all the reports and the dangers and I was letting them get to me. A good gentle pep talk from my brother had me choosing the trail, did I get lost twice? Yup. Did I post hole and get ice burn on my legs? Sure did. Was I scared the whole damn time, indeed. It was slippery and sloppy and super sketch. Ha! It took me 10 hrs to go 8 miles, but I made it. Hooray for me. Listen to this, it was my favorite section of hike I’ve done thus far.
#3 Fear of letting everyone down. Most importantly, myself. Logically, I’m not letting any of you down. This is my journey. I do what I want, when I want, how I want. I’ve made some good miles, had some beautiful experiences, saw some beautiful things and lost some LBS. The battle of my desire to make it and to throw in the towel, rages every day, but I know if I don’t keep going, my disappointment that I gave up just because it was HARD will eat me alive every day of my living life.
“IT’S NOT ABOUT WINNING OR LOSING. IT’S ABOUT EMBRACING THE CHALLENGE.”
If it didn’t hurt, would it even be worth it? If it isn’t uncomfortable, are you even changing?
Growing Pains.
PCT 20 23 